by Wonko
Scene opens. Janeway's Quarters. The setting is romantic, the lights are dim, candles burn in every corner, soft strains of music float out of the comm system. It looks suspiciously like a first date but don't tell Paramount. Janeway is there, attempting to feed Seven of Nine something from a fork. Seven is less than co-operative.
SEVEN: I find this method of feeding time-consuming and inefficient.
Janeway sighs an indulgent sigh.
JANEWAY: Seven, there's no hurry.
SEVEN: Incorrect, Captain. (Throws a meaningful glance towards the bedroom door.) I think there is a very good reason to hurry.
Janeway puts the fork down, grabs Seven by the back of the neck and kisses her like we've all wanted her to for two years. Oops! Sorry there's a Paramount executive in the room, ahem, Janeway kisses Seven like a mother kisses her child. Seven, when she is released, has turned a shade of red unknown to nature and her mouth is hanging half open. Kathryn takes this opportunity to shove the fork into Seven's mouth who chokes and splutters before swallowing convulsively. Janeway looks on, laughing.
SEVEN: (Getting a dangerous look in her eye as she advances on the captain) You should NOT have done that, Captain.
JANEWAY: (Backing away) Now Seven...
SEVEN: (Interrupting) Resistance is futile, Captain.
Just as things are about to get very interesting, the red alert klaxons go off and Chakotay's droning voice entreats the captain to report to the Bridge.
JANEWAY: *@&% (I'll leave that one to your imagination shall I?)
Main Bridge. The whole of the senior staff are present. B'Elanna runs up to the captain as she enters.
TORRES: Captain, I'm sorry, I don't know how this happened. We were performing a routine warp core diagnostic and the warp field just inverted!
JANEWAY: Meaning...?
CHAKOTAY (With appropriate spooky music as the camera zooms in on him) Meaning we're not in Kansas anymore, Kathryn.
Spooky music ends abruptly.
JANEWAY: (In an appropriately disgustful tone) Oh please. Seven, escort Chakotay to the nearest airlock for having the worst line in history.
A few minutes later.
SEVEN: It appears that Lt Torres' routine diagnostic has pulled us into an alternate reality, known as 'Cyberspace.'
JANEWAY: On screen.
There is silence.
SEVEN: You can't see cyberspace, Captain, that's the whole point. It is the refuge of all the things that go on in this ship that Paramount would rather we not know. (Moving swiftly on.) Our sensors can detect which part of Cyberspace we are currently in.
JANEWAY: Seven, why are Tom and B'Elanna on the floor?
SEVEN: It seems that we are in 'P/T' territory, Captain.
JANEWAY: But Paramount lets us see P/T! Although (she pauses and turns a little green) not quite so graphically. Seven could you please get us out of here?!
A few minutes later and Tom and B'Elanna are back to normal or as close to normal as cocky fly-boy gets. Tom is at the helm.
SEVEN: We've just entered 'J/K' territory Captain.
Harry perks up at this and begins to make a move towards the Captain. He is stopped when Kashyk appears in a flash of white light.
JANEWAY: Oh, that 'K.' Do the honours would you Seven?
Seven gets a glint in her eye that says she's wanted to do this for a long time and grins evilly as she smacks Kashyk across the chin with that wonderfully versatile Borg left arm of hers He goes careering through the nearest bulkhead.
There follows a period of time where the ship drifts through many different territories. P/K is the first which makes Janeway turn a little greener. J/T piques her interest a little but Seven is far too protective to let that happen. J/C is the largest territory but Chakotay has already been jettisoned so that is an area of relative calm.
SEVEN: (Back at her station) Now entering 'J/7' territory Captain.
JANEWAY: Oh thank God! Do you know how long I've been waiting for this?! Get over here!
The bridge crew studiously keep their eyes on their consoles.
TOM: Now leaving J/7 territory Captain.
There is no response except for a rather husky, rather obvious-who-it-came-from moan.
TOM: Captain?
Suddenly a huge Monty Python style foot comes crashing down from above and squashes Tom to a squidgy red pulp.
TUVOK: It appears there are those in Cyberspace who are not fond of Mr Paris.
An eerie laugh echoes over the comm which anyone who knows me would recognise as mine.
JANEWAY: (Breathing quite heavily) Set a course back to J/7 territory someone? And remain at all stop until I give the word.
The Bridge crew look at each other, all thinking that 'the word' is probably never going to be given.
HARRY: Oh well...anyone want to hear my latest concerto?
The End