Scene opens. Astrometrics Lab. Seven is there alone, scanning the upcoming star-systems. She suddenly sees something interesting and raises her eyebrow in that ever-so-cute way of hers.
A few minutes later. Main Bridge. As usual, all the senior staff are on duty because something’s about to happen. Seven arrives and immediately accesses the console just behind Janeway.
SEVEN: Captain, I believe this will interest you. Sensors are detecting an unknown object.
Janeway raises her eyebrow in that way of hers that is just as cute as Seven’s.
JANEWAY: Let’s see it.
The viewscreen flickers to life revealing a planet that would be Earth if it wasn’t two-dimensional and made completely of cartridge paper.
JANEWAY: Wow! What is THAT?!
TUVOK: (Stating the obvious as usual) Unknown, Captain.
TOM: What are you, the narrator?
FLASH INTO TUVOK’S SUBCONSCIOUS
Tuvok jumps over the console and throttles Paris until he’s barely recognisable.
FLASH BACK OUT
TUVOK: Your attempts at humour have never been very successful Mr. Paris. This time is no exception.
JANEWAY: (Getting slightly pissed off) All right you two! (Gesturing for Seven to join her at the side of The Bridge. Whispering) OK Seven, help me out here. We need a plot device soon or Paris is going to stay alive.
SEVEN: (Matching the quiet tone of voice) Perhaps we should beam down to the planet. It would be eminently possible for the author to create any number of dangers down there.
JANEWAY: (Looking Seven up and down appraisingly) I don’t know Seven, I quite like ‘down there’.
SEVEN: (Sighing but smiling indulgently) Oh Kathryn, must you bring sex into everything we do?
JANEWAY: (Grinning) Well darling, with you it’s such a compelling subject. (Addressing the Bridge Crew in general) All right! We’ve decided to send down an away team. Tom, Chakotay, B’Elanna...you’re with me and Seven.
CHAKOTAY: Since when did you and Seven make the decisions around here?!
Janeway gives her XO a withering look and immediately he spontaneously combusts leaving nothing but smoking ashes.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: You may have guessed from this that I don’t really like Chakotay either. Shock, horror, scandal!
JANEWAY: (Shrugging) Oh well. Make that just Tom and B’Elanna.
On the planet, the four of them materialise in a town that is alien to all but one of them yet strangely familiar to the viewers of the twentieth century animation South Park. Suddenly, a boy in an orange anorak rounds a corner.
SEVEN: I suggest we attempt to ‘blend in’ Captain. Perhaps Mr Paris could strike up a conversation with that boy.
Tom shrugs and complies.
TOM: Hi, son, what’s your name?
KENNY: Mmphmmph.
JANEWAY: (Whispering) Why did you do that, Seven?
SEVEN: That boy dies every episode. This was the most efficient way of placing Paris in danger. Plus it should be a good laugh.
NOTE FROM THE OWNERS OF STAR TREK: VOYAGER - THE SCENE THAT FOLLOWS WAS CUT ORIGINALLY TO MAKE ROOM FOR MORE COMMERCIALS. HOWEVER, AFTER PROTESTS FROM J/7ERS, IT WAS PUT BACK IN BUT PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT ANY AFFECTION YOU SEE BETWEEN JANEWAY AND SEVEN IS PURELY MATERNAL.
After Seven says this Janeway grabs her by the front of her outfit and kisses her till she can’t see straight.
SEVEN: (Looking very flushed as they separate) WHOA MAMA!!! (She then grabs Janeway and kisses her back with equal intensity)
Tom talks to Kenny for a few minutes, pretending not to notice the sounds of his CO and her lover trying to devise a method of having sex through their clothes not so far away. B’Elanna (who the author has not forgotten) is taking notes on Seven’s technique.
Eventually Janeway and Seven return to the other two’s general vicinity, Seven looking impeccable and Janeway straightening out her uniform. Just in time too, for an angry mob suddenly approach from the same corner Kenny approached from.
MOB: Kill Tom Paris! Kill Tom Paris!
TOM: WHAT!!! You can’t do that!! I’m...I’m Tom Paris!! (Gesturing wildly as if that meant something)
Shania Twain suddenly appears in a flash of white light and starts a chorus of ‘That don’t impress me much.’ Janeway winces.
JANEWAY: I hate country music.
KENNY: Mmmphphmmph.
Meanwhile the mob beat Tom to death with placards that say ‘Cocky little fly-boys - no thanks!!!’
SEVEN: (In a complete monotone) Oh my God. They killed Paris. (Perking up) Mission accomplished! (She gives Janeway a look that indicates that they have another mission to attend to back in Janeway’s quarters.)
B’ELANNA: But I don’t understand...why did they kill him and not us too?
SEVEN: Elementary, my dear Klingon. They can’t see us because we are three-dimensional characters. Paris, however, was a character as thin and two-dimensional as they are themselves.
JANEWAY: I think that ending was a little rushed, don’t you Seven? Oh well, no-matter. I guess I should be thankful it didn’t take as long as I thought it would. (She gives Seven a meaningful look that suggests she might be willing to work overtime on that next mission.)
Janeway grabs Seven and they lock lips in a remarkably passionate and “no way in hell do I kiss MY mother like that” way as the transporter lock takes hold.
NOTE FROM THE OWNERS OF STAR TREK: VOYAGER - REMEMBER, THIS IS A PURELY MATERNAL MOMENT. JESUS, DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY BUY THIS ANYMORE?!!